Aug 12 08

I thought it might be worthwhile to re-print a Journal Entry from last year regarding our thoughts on what to say to a grieving family. Please recognize that we don’t claim to be experts, we just shared (and continue to share) our thoughts based upon our own experience. It is very painful for me to read old Journal Entries, especially those detailing Andrew’s valiant battle. My son fought so hard! People only know about half of what this beautiful child went through.

Lately, I’ve had a few people say “I know what you’re going through. My father/mother died last year at 80.” I don’t mean to be rude, but please don’t say that you know what we’re going through because your 80 year old parent passed away. My father passed away at 68 and, yes, I felt cheated and extremely sad. But, with all due respect to my Dad, there is NO comparison to losing a child! My heart goes out to EVERYONE who loses a relative - at any age- but please don’t say you know what we’re going through.

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“Friday, August 31, 2007

Over the past 6 weeks, so many people have said to us “I don’t know what to say.” It’s an understandable sentiment – what do you say to someone who has just lost a child and brother at such a young age? For what it’s worth, here’s my perspective. Please recognize that this is just my opinion; I don’t claim to be an expert on this.

“What you should NOT say or do”

• Please don’t say “I know what you’re going through.” (unless you’re a child that has lost a hamster!…I appreciated that posting the other day J). If you haven’t lived through this experience, you can’t imagine the pain. Even among those of us who have lost children, all of our situations are different.

• Please don’t say anything like “You’ll get over it”. I will, hopefully, learn to cope with what has happened, but I will NEVER “get over it”.

• Please don’t say “Andrew LOST his battle with leukemia…”! Andrew did NOT lose anything. As he even said in the hospital, he was “undefeated”. He fought bravely and suffered through pain for an extra 166 days so that we could benefit from his lessons. Andrew is in Heaven! I’d say he won!

What you SHOULD say or do

• Just about anything else! J

• I LOVE hearing you talk about Andrew and what he meant to all of you. Andrew has passed away, but please don’t erase his memory. Let’s talk about him…celebrate him! People are afraid that it will upset us by talking about him. You can rest assured that we’re thinking about him anyway…I’d rather talk about him.

• Reach out to those of us who are grieving. It can be a simple smile, a phone call, a posting on a website, or a hug. It doesn’t really matter how eloquent you are, but that you cared enough to reach out. Some people stress out so much about ‘what to say’ that they don’t even reach out. You might be saying “yeah, but I don’t want to bother you if you want to be alone”. Well, I have two parts to that answer. First, there are ways – cards, postings, etc – that will allow you to reach out without fear of intruding. Second, we don’t have to answer our phones if we’re not up for a conversation J and we can always say ‘no’ to the offer for lunch or whatever.

And, don’t get too stressed out about talking to those of us who have lost a child…we know you mean well. That’s the most important thing.

Folks, don’t worry about finding the “perfect thing to say”. There is NO such thing. There are no magical words that are going to erase my pain. Just knowing that Andrew changed the world helps minimize the sting just a little bit. And, knowing that you are going to live differently because of Andrew, means a lot to us.

This is, obviously, the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. One minute, you can feel like you’re coping well, and the next minute, your world just comes crashing down on you. And, grieving people learn to ‘fake it’ pretty well. Don’t be fooled, though…we still need your prayers.

I know Andrew is with God. That thought, and the fact that I am blessed with Chris and Ali, are what’s keeping me going. Your prayers and support are so helpful as well. Thank you.

I hope you find my perspective helpful as you deal with grieving families, regardless of their individual circumstances. Once again, it’s just one guy’s opinion.

Have a safe and happy Labor Day/Andrew’s Birthday Weekend!”

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I hope someone finds this helpful.

Live Like Andrew - make a difference in the world!

B+

So proud to be,

Ali’s & Andrew’s Dad