A Message from Ali
Hi, It’s Ali.
For days, I’ve been trying to figure out what I should write about. Knowing that I haven’t posted since August (!), I’m much over due. But I just couldn’t figure out what to post about. Sure, lots of things have happened since August, but it just didn’t feel like that was what I should write about. Then I woke up two days ago and there it was. Well, really, it’s what wasn’t there that needed to be shared.
You see, I rarely remember my dreams. Especially if Andrew is in them. I’ll wake up and remember that he showed up in my dream, but I won’t remember the details of the dream. Sometimes, they’re nightmares. Sometimes, I’m reliving Andrew’s final days. Sometimes, the nightmare is being told Andrew’s cancer relapsed (which never happened in real life). For the nightmares, I remember every single detail.
Two days ago, Andrew was in my dream. He was just coming out of a surgery of some sort and my parents and I were going back to the recovery room to be with him. It wasn’t a typical recovery room, more like what I imagine hospitals become after natural disasters or mass trauma when any open space is used to save lives and treat the injured. There was no wall to the recovery room. It opened up to the hospital’s lobby (weird, right?). I walked over to Andrew’s bed in the “recovery room” and climbed onto the tiny corner of the bed that his 5’11’’ adult-sized body didn’t fill up. I held his upper body and with his head resting in my arms, I sobbed. Everyone in the “lobby” stared, but I didn’t care. Even in the dream, my heart was breaking for my brother. I desperately wanted to trade places with him and free him from the pain. I know I would never be as strong as him, but I’m the big sister. It’s my job to protect my little brother. My arm wrapped around him and with my right hand to my left shoulder, I held him as close as I possibly could. There was only so much protecting I could do…
Then, I woke up. My arms were just as they were in the dream. My right hand to my left shoulder. But what was missing is what broke my painfully shattered heart into a million more pieces… The space between my arm and my body, the space Andrew filled in my dream, was empty. Awake, I laid there – frozen – for what seemed like an hour. I didn’t want to let go.
That dream hasn’t left my mind since. My heart races as quickly as my mind does, trying to process all that that dream was. What just happened? I don’t know…I don’t know how an expert dream analyzer (is that a thing?) would interpret it, but I know how I am. My brother visited me in my sleep. The way my heart felt, in my dream, as I held him is the way my heart felt in real life. So much so, that my body held him where he was in my dream. Clinging on to every last piece of him. I’ve missed those hugs so much. He knew I needed one.
The holidays are TOUGH for families missing sons, daughters and siblings. But even still, the hurt for a child is different than the hurt for a sibling. I can’t say whether one hurts more, as I only know it from missing a sibling. There’s no one in the world more like you than a sibling. But even Hallmark doesn’t have sympathy cards for the loss of a sibling (yes, I really did just look at Hallmark.com!). Too sad for them to even think of making a card for? I don’t know…
What are you supposed to say to a boy or girl missing their brother or sister in Heaven? There’s no “rule book”. There’s no “right thing” to say because the reality is, nothing you say will bring their brother or sister back. BUT, there are some good ideas of things you could do…
Talk about the brother/sister who’s in Heaven. Doing so, you’re acknowledging their existence.
Tell stories about the brother/sister who’s in Heaven. You have no idea how valuable “Andrew Stories” are – especially those I’ve never heard before. The reality is, my memories and the stories you share are all I have left. I can’t make new memories with Andrew, so your stories become those.
Give them space. This may vary by age, I don’t know. What I do know is that when the whole family’s gathered and the one person missing is my brother, it’s like a cold, hard slap in the face. That hurts and I need some time alone to acknowledge my thoughts missing my brother, think good thoughts about him and recollect myself before pasting my “Hi, I’m Ali. Everything’s good!” smile back on my face. I am lucky, though, to have great extended family members who help me to be able to put a real smile on my face through my toughest days.
Those are just some of my random thoughts…The point is, the Holidays are a tough time for those of us with broken hearts. The Holidays are a time to be more understanding of those around us. When it doesn’t seem possible for that man in line behind you to be any more like Scrooge, maybe this is his first Christmas without his wife of decades. Or that woman who cut in front of you in line and bought the very last wreath? Maybe she’s in a fog missing her son and needed to bring the wreath to the cemetery to place on his grave. We just never know the struggles others are facing. With the Holidays being such a family-centered time, those missing loved ones are forcefully reminded of the void in our hearts.
As for my family, we’re learning what works for the 3 of us. I know that decorating for Christmas is tough for my parents because we have so much of Andrew’s holiday craft decorations and all of the tree ornaments he gathered over his 14 years. With each piece of Andrew’s writings, drawings, and ornaments pulled from the Christmas Decoration boxes, a little knife reopens the wound bit by bit. Sparing my parents’ broken hearts, I decorated the house and tree. For me, it hurts to hang the stockings. Something so simple,right? Each stocking has our name on it and all 4 are hung each year. We will always be a Family of 4. My mom spared my heart and hung the stockings for us. Knowing it’s important to me, my dad saved my hurting heart by getting me the perfect 12 foot Christmas tree I wanted at Marini Produce (Shameless Plug: Go get your trees there and in the rest of the seasons, you’ll find the yummiest produce there!).
It’s a team effort, getting through the Holidays. Our little team is figuring out how to make it work, despite our hurting hearts. We have a special Angel on our side.