A Peak Behind the Curtain
The Grieving Process NEVER Ends!
For those of you who don't read Ali's FB posts, I feel compelled to share this with you. I imagine this is what pretty much all families that have experienced the death of a child feel. I don't think we're special or different than any other family whose child has died. We put on smiles, we fake it... a lot! I don't think one EVER 'gets over' the death of a young brother/sister/son/daughter. We know, empirically, that people shy away from our updates that are sad and respond well to the happy ones. I get it...it's human nature, I suppose. But, sometimes you just have to speak the truth, however heart-breaking. I do realize, though, that the pain we feel is in direct correlation to the incredible blessing that we have been given being Andrew's family. If he didn't hold such an enormous part of our heart, the pain wouldn't be as excruciating. Andrew was so great and we miss him so much. And, yeah, we're SO fortunate to be Andrew's family. But, it still hurts like hell!
Here's Ali's FB post:
Reality of Childhood Cancer's Lasting Effects: Reliving the Nightmare. Andrew was in my dream this morning. It woke me up and has been on my mind all day, almost like a fog over me. I can still picture him just as I saw him in my dream.
I'm leaving several details out, like we did on CaringBridge sometimes to respect Andrew's privacy, but here's the gist for our B+ Supporters or childhood cancer families who can relate to so badly missing someone... However, the dream is not totally accurate to our real life experiences, especially since Andrew was never well enough to come home after his diagnosis.
In my dream/nightmare, Andrew was sick. In my dream/nightmare, he was frail and near the end of his life. I held him and he rested his head on my shoulder. He didn't talk much because he was so tired after fighting so long, but he asked to go outside, so I carried him outside. When I carried him back inside, I handed him to my dad. When I looked back to my dad, Andrew wasn't there. Just like that, he was gone. I looked all over for him and frantically kept asking, "Where is he? Where did Andrew go?!" My dad softly answered, "...he'll be ok now."And then I woke up...drained, heartbroken, and devastated all over again. I've had so many dreams/nightmares of losing Andrew all over again or of his cancer relapsing (which never really happened)...
It never gets easier. My parents & I go through the motions to get through each day, and we've gotten pretty good at it by now, but life without Andrew sure is tough...
Appreciate what you have.
Forever a "Family of Four",
Ali & Andrew's Dad
