A Weekend Full of Emotions...a Message from Ali

While talks of emotions seem to be taboo for some people, a range of emotions are very present in our lives without Andrew.

As we left for the airport on Friday, my nerves were high. I’m not afraid of flying; in fact, I love it. I was nervous because I knew I was on my way to Disney World. That should be exciting, right? Sure, it’s the “Most Magical Place on Earth”. But, I knew that as soon as I stepped on that plane, there was no turning back. In just a few short hours, I knew I’d be in Orlando, Florida and I’d be just a day away from running my first ½ Marathon…but we’d be missing someone.

Before I knew it, we were in Orlando. We got off the plane and a cute, blonde, curly-haired toddler waddled his way over to his mom. My heart twisted, knowing that that curly-haired little boy waddling over to his mom, soon to experience the magic of Disney World, was once my brother.

Next stop: Disney’s Magical Express, the bus to get us to our hotel. As I sat on the bus, waiting for the rest of the passengers to board, eager to start their vacations, an excited dad carried his son on his hip. This dad was ready to make memories with his son. His blonde, curly-haired son with the brightest eyes. I smiled, excited for them and the memories they will make, but my heart twisted a little more as I sat on the bus with an empty seat next to me…a seat Andrew filled the last time we rode this bus.

I had been fortunate to experience the magic of Disney three times, prior to this trip. Each time we stayed at a different hotel. I have no recollection of the 2nd or 3rd hotel, but I remember the 1st clearly. It was our first time to Disney World and we stayed at Disney’s All-Star Sports Resort. I remember running up and down the football shaped stairs with Andrew and running around the football field with oversized uprights.

So Friday, as our Magical Express stopped and we were at our hotel for the weekend – Disney’s All-Star Sports – my heart shuttered, preparing itself for the rollercoaster of emotions sure to come.

After checking in, we walked outside. I looked to the left and there it was – the massive football within which were the stairs to each level of rooms. My heart.

Friday night, we had a team dinner at Rain Forest Café in the Animal Kingdom. It was great to meet all of the B+ Running Team runners and their families. I’m so grateful for people like them. They believe in our cause –fighting childhood cancer. They believe in The B+ Foundation. They help us help families and fund critical childhood cancer research. They help us keep my brother’s memory alive.

Saturday was race day. Let me just go back to May, for a second, and tell you that the night I signed up to be a part of the running team, I hit “submit” to officially commit to running the 13.1-mile half marathon in Disney. As soon as I hit “submit”, I burst into tears. I was terrified. There was no way I could run 13.1 miles, right? What was I thinking?!

After our team took a group photo, we made our way to the bus that would take us to the starting line. As we walked towards the bus, a man said, “Hey, B+! Isn’t that about the soccer player from Delaware?” Yes, sir, that boy is my brother. Thank you for remembering him. It was just the reminder I needed…Andrew’s not forgotten.

The race started at 10pm. The weather was not ideal, as the rain didn’t let up the entire race. As we ran down Osceola Parkway, I actually saw people sit on the guardrail and dump water out of their shoes. Honestly! We ran through Disney’s Animal Kingdom, past The Tree of Life, through Disney’s Hollywood Studios, through Pixar Place, through Disney’s Yacht and Beach Club Resorts and then finished outside Epcot.

I didn’t see any animals in the Animal Kingdom, as we ran through, but I smelled them! Along the course, we passed Disney characters, which offered nice distractions as I was getting bored with the running.

We, unintentionally, added half a mile to our distance by weaving through all of the people. There were 15,000 runners, so the course was packed! Oh, and if you ever find yourself running on a wet road, avoid the shiny lane parkers on the pavement. Those things are slippery!

When we got to Disney’s Boardwalk, it hit me. My body felt fine, but my already twisted heart shattered. I couldn’t get this photo out of my head. On one of our trips to Disney, my dad won a stuffed animal for Andrew in a Boardwalk arcade game. Andrew was so excited. It was a black and white cat. Andrew named him Peter Joseph Gerard, after my dad whose name is Joseph Gerard. We still don’t know how he decided on the name Peter, but Peter Joseph Gerard made Andrew the happiest boy on the boardwalk that night. It’s a happy memory, of course, but brings pain with it knowing that he’s not here. Memories like that won’t be made any more. He won’t get to spend an inordinate amount of money on arcade games to win the perfect stuffed animal for his son.

From there, the end was practically in sight and I got a second wind. I’d like to think that after my quick tears on the Boardwalk (crying while running makes it pretty hard to breathe, by the way), channeling my brother, he carried me to the finish.

There were really only spectators at the beginning and end, so the cheers from spectators who braved the cold and rain along with us surely helped me to the end.

It was cold. It was rainy. But, we finished. I wasn’t thrilled (or happy at all, really) with my time, but for 5 seconds (or maybe 5 minutes…) I used the rain as my excuse, then I got over it. Regardless of how slow I was or wasn’t, I finished a half marathon, when just 5 months ago I could barely run a mile. I walked sometimes and took pictures as we went along the course and tried to just enjoy the experience as much as I can “enjoy” running.

Will I do another one? Who knows. Stairs weren’t my friend the next couple of days after. But, the competitor in me knows I’m capable of a better time, so maybe…just maybe, I’ll get back to running. For now though, I’m taking a little break.

Race Review

Highlight: Running through the Osborne Family Lights – millions of Christmas lights!

Not so Highlight: Running past the food waste trash bins, when all I wanted was to breathe in nice, fresh air…

Truthfully though, the biggest highlight of the whole experience was running with my dad. For the last 5 months you’ve seen the posts and pictures I put on Facebook from the runs my dad and I did in training. Mentally, he’s stronger than I am. Throughout training, when I didn’t feel like running, he convinced me it was the right thing to do. As I ran the first 5 miles on Saturday’s half marathon and continued to ask myself what the heck I was thinking running 13.1 miles, he kept running, so I had to keep running.

Then, we hit the Boardwalk and without words needing to be spoken, I knew where his mind was. I knew we were both thinking of the picture of Andrew beaming with pride showing off his new Peter Joseph Gerard stuffed animal. When he was getting tired of the running, he saw me running, so he kept going. Sunday, as we recovered from the run and our minds reeled over what we had just accomplished, I told my dad I had a present for him from the Boardwalk. With that, I presented him with Andrew’s Peter Joseph Gerard. I packed him in a Ziploc bag in my suitcase. It smells like Andrew and I never want that to change. While the finisher’s medal is great (really, it’s impressive!), Peter Joseph Gerard was Andrew being with us. He’s always on our minds, so this was just a little, physical reminder of him.

With B+ and AJM (Andrew’s initials) on my hands, he wasn’t far from my thoughts the whole run. I’m sure my athlete of a brother is proud.

So maybe Andrew wasn’t physically with us, this trip to Disney, but he was there. Healing my twisted heart.

Ali