Forever Changed
January 29th never used to mean anything to me. That is until 2007.
It was on that day that my family would forever be changed…and certainly not for the better. Just two days earlier, my 14-year-old son helped lead his travel soccer team to a Pennsylvania State Championship. On January 29, 2007, I was told that my son had Leukemia. I was then told that he was going into septic shock. And then, I watched my son go into cardiac arrest! Clinically-speaking, my son was not alive. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
After some amount of time (I’ll never know how long…it was a blur), they resuscitated Andrew. But, the Attending Physician told us that Andrew would not live through the night. WHAT?! I told him “only God and Andrew know!” and Chris, Ali, and I walked out of the room.
Over the next 166 days, what we termed “bonus days”, our hero underwent nearly 50 surgical procedures, 4 strokes and a brain aneurysm. On four occasions, they told us that he wouldn’t live through the night. Sadly, on the fourth time, they were right. Andrew died in Ali’s arms at the age of 14.
It’s really odd. In some ways, it feels like we were in the hospital last week. In other ways, it really feels like a lifetime ago that we were the family that I wanted. I miss hearing Andrew’s laugh, feeling his hug, seeing that incredible smile, and just hanging out with him. Andrew was not just my son, but he had also become a best friend. We have learned to smile and live again and enjoy milestones like Ali’s wedding and the birth of her 2 children. But, while people may find this hard to believe, we still grieve every day, 18 years later. With no disrespect to my wonderful parents, I miss them, but I don’t feel like I’m grieving every day. They died as older adults. Watching your young child die forever changes you as a person and as a family. And, truth be told, you do a lot of faking. You suffer every single day.
PLEASE, please understand. I am NOT asking for sympathy. I just want to authentically and vulnerably share what goes on for one family who has had a child taken from them too early. I acknowledge and respect that we all have challenges. I have a HUGE hole in my heart because Andrew had such a big part of my heart. Make no mistake…I’m so blessed that he had such a big place in my heart. My pain is the price of that enormous love lost from this world. I love and will ALWAYS love my son, Andrew. I know he’s with me…I just wish it was in a more physical way. I will never stop hurting…and while this may be hard to understand, I’m not sure that I want the pain to go away.
At the Celebration of Andrew’s Life, we ended the mass with two high school students singing a duet of a song that was not well-known at the time, but is now tremendously popular (“For Good” from “Wicked”).
I do believe that I have been changed for the better.
And, because I knew you, I have been changed FOR GOOD!
Andrew, I miss you so much. You definitely ‘changed me for the better’ and you have “changed me for good”.
I love you, buddy!
You mean the world to me.
Dad
