Jan 15 10
I’m going to be (brutally) honest in this update.
Life For This Grieving Girl...
Sadly, I dread the 14th of every month. Yesterday made it 30 long months without Andrew here. I don’t know what to make of it, really. I have so many mixed emotions…I know he’s not in pain anymore, which is comforting. But, I want him back. I feel bad, in a sense, for going on 30 months without him. I know he wouldn’t want me to shut down and do nothing for the rest of my life, but it’s hard to fathom being able to go on with such a huge part of my life missing…
So much has changed since Andrew’s diagnosis, none of which he is to blame. The date of his diagnosis is another date I dread – January 29, 2007 & yes, it’s fast approaching. So what’s different post-diagnosis, besides my life being forever changed? Friendships have definitely changed. I’ve lost friends (more than I’d like to believe). I’ve made new friends. And I’ve met people who will have an impact on my life forever.
The only reason I can think of that would make me lose friends, practically overnight, is that they couldn’t handle the situation my family was now in. If they couldn’t handle it, why would I be able to handle the situation any better? I didn’t know what to do either, but there was nothing that I could do to change it, so I dealt with it.
Sadly, I’ve met many families “in the club.” They’ll be in my heart forever. Not only are their kids true heroes, but the parents and siblings are as well. To the families touched by “the ‘c’ word,” please know that if you ever need anything, my family’s here for you. Each and every one of you has had an impact on our lives. Though I wish we met for different reasons, I’m so grateful to have met you.
I guess tragedy says a lot about people. Don’t get me wrong, some of the friends I had pre-diagnosis continued being my friends and I can’t thank them enough. Some people, that’d you never expect, stepped forward and man, was that nice to see. I guess tragedy is an extremely difficult way of showing who one’s real friends are.
I’m grateful to all of my friends for dealing with me, but it’s guaranteed that at least once a day I’ll experience some type of awkward situation when people don’t know what to say to me, stare at me with a look that speaks volumes – whether it be to say ‘I feel so sorry for her,’ ‘is she gunna cry?,’ or ‘is that Andrew’s sister?’ I’ve gotten all of those looks, many times. Often, you’re right, I was gunna cry. Thanks for feeling sorry for me; though it’s not your fault, I appreciate your sympathy. To the last look I get, yes, I AM Andrew’s sister and I couldn’t be prouder of that fact. Just ask. I’ll tell you. I know we’ve said it before, but I guess I have to give a reminder – Andrew will ALWAYS be my brother. I’m very aware that he’s no longer with us, but please don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Talk about Andrew with me. If I cry, it’s not because you upset me, so no need to feel badly. It’s good for me to cry sometimes. Chances are, when you’re wondering what to say to me, I want to talk about Andrew. I can’t pretend that someone who had such a huge role in my life didn’t exist. I love talking about Andrew. Sometimes it’s difficult to think back on the memories and talk about Andrew, because I wish so badly that he was still here with me, but I LOVE talking about him and hearing people talk about him.
I know you don’t know what to say to me. I get that. I don’t even know what to say to people when their loved ones pass away. There’s nothing that can fill that pain. Although I’ll never be the me that I was January 28, 2007, I’m still kind of me, I’ve just been through and seen more than most kids my age…I guess I’m a new me. I guess it’s normal (which is terrible) to lose friendships because of tragic situations, but really? Come on…that’s not what anyone in such difficult situations needs to deal with. I don’t even know…(Sorry for rambling, I just have so many thoughts going through my head right now. I really don’t understand.)
One of my biggest fears is that Andrew will be forgotten. I can’t even put in to words how painful that thought is. Andrew’s memory is all I have left. Andrew’s such a great person. I know there are stories out there that I haven’t heard – something nice he did for you, a memory you have of him that to you may seem random, but I promise you, my parents and I will cherish that story forever.
PLEASE don’t forget Andrew.
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A lot of families want to dream about their loved ones after they’ve gone to Heaven. I can’t do it on cue, but it has happened. I’ve had awesome dreams with Andrew giving me the hugs that I miss so much, telling me he loves me, etc. I literally wake up smiling and call my parents right away. Unfortunately, I’ve also had extremely painful dreams that I wake up from, sometimes in tears. I’ve had dreams (I guess it’d be nightmares), reliving 1:55 pm on July 14, 2007 as Andrew took his last breath. I’ve had dreams reliving the diagnosis. I’ve had dreams of Andrew relapsing (which didn't happen in real life) with extremely detailed explanations of what the cancer was doing to his body. It is so painful.
The pain didn’t stop July 14, 2007. It didn’t stop September 3, Andrew’s birthday. The pain comes when I least expect it. For me, the birthdays aren’t as bad as I would have expected they’d be in July of 2007. I think that’s because I know they’re coming, so I can mentally prepare. But when it’s a random day and it hits me – wow, my brother really isn’t here – that hurts so much. Again, I don’t have words to explain it. So many times I’m shopping and find something perfect for Andrew, then I have to remind myself…Or I have something to tell someone or a question and I’d always go to Andrew for that type of thing, but…I walk past his room every day to get to mine. It’s exactly how he left it. It still smells like him, even, so we try to keep the door shut, hoping it’ll keep it smelling like him for eternity. So often, I look in to his room expecting him to be playing basketball, doing homework or getting ready for practice. I miss his soccer and baseball games. His plan for the future was to become a professional soccer or baseball player. He told me that once that happened, he’d give me money so I didn’t have to work. We had a plan. Ever since we were little, my parents said they didn’t want us to leave the house. They said they’d build additions so that Andrew’s family could live in one wing, and mine in the other. It may seem odd, but how perfect would our life be? To think that it has been 30 months since I’ve hugged Andrew, it’s unbelievable. It makes no sense to me.
Are you thoroughly depressed now, after reading that post? Sorry about that.
Just a Re-Cap of this entry:
1. Please don’t pretend that Andrew didn’t exist. He lived an amazing life and we should remember that.
2. If I cry, don’t think it’s your fault. Maybe just comfort me? I’ll try my best to control myself. :)
3. Please don’t forget Andrew.
The pain my family and I, and unfortunately so many other families, are experiencing is inexplicable. For me, it’s still as bad as it was July 14, 2007. Truthfully, I’ve just learned to hide it better, so people don’t constantly feel bad for me. It’s fine though! Please don’t worry about me. I tell people how I’m feeling. I get many good cries in, like Christmas Day with my Dad…(yes, he and I sat in the living room crying for a couple good hours. Fun life, right?) Although I hate it, I’ve learned to deal with my new life. I’m fine.
As always, I didn’t plan on writing this much, so if you stuck with me and read the whole thing, I appreciate it! My dad speaking (goes on and on forever, with a point of course), is how I am writing. I could go on and on, but I’ll spare you the grief all at once and ration it out over time. :)
Wow, that entry wore me out. Thanks for letting me vent :)
Proudly & Forever,
“Andrew’s Sister”
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