Dec 26 09

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas yesterday.  I would like to give a shout out to the Goldberg family for delivering presents to the children at A.l. duPont Hospital yesterday, to the Quesenberrys for delivering meals to the families at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), and to the Koenigs for delivering meals and gifts to the families in 3A at A.I.  There was a great article in the paper yesterday about Drew.  Please see the link below.

http://www.delawareonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2009912250340

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Now, if you’re looking for an uplifting entry from me, you might want to close this window now.  I have to be honest with you…the last few days have been brutally difficult for me.  All the days without Andrew here on earth are hard, but Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were indescribable.  There really are no words to accurately describe the heartache and sadness that I feel.

As bad as it was in the hospital, I would give anything to be back there because it meant that we were still ‘in the battle’.  There was hope for Andrew.  I guess it’s kind of selfish…But, rest assured, our primary concern was Andrew’s level of comfort.  We didn’t want him to suffer and I know he’s not suffering now.  But, we had the perfect life - for us- and I just wish we could have that, and him, back.  We ALWAYS thought WE would make it out of AI together, our ‘family of four’.  Our lives were forever changed on July 14, 2007.  I don’t say this pessimistically, but realistically, holidays (and any day, for that matter) will never be the same.  It’s impossible to ever be the same when you’ve been shaped by such an incredible person and he (or she) is such a big part of your life…and then he (or she) is gone -so prematurely.

I miss my Dad who died in 1992, but I know that this is the way that life is supposed to progress…the ‘circle of life’.  But, not having my son here is a pain that you can NEVER imagine unless you’ve lost a child…or young brother, as in Ali’s case.  We put on happy face ‘masks’, but the reality catches up with us behind closed doors.

It’s hard seeing all the families together in church…it’s hard seeing Andrew’s stocking knowing that he won’t open it…it’s hard seeing his friends driving….it’s hard hearing about his friends planning for college…it’s hard feeling out of touch with some friends (young and old) because Andrew was the link between us…it’s hard seeing the pain on Chris’ and Ali’s faces…it’s hard not hearing Andrew’s goofy laugh…I miss him jumping out of a closet and scaring the crap out of me…I miss his hugs (they were the best!)…I miss his voice…I miss making memories with Andrew!  I miss my baby!!!

My heart goes out to all the families who have lost loved ones this year, particularly the Pauleys, Langseders, Bentons, and all the families whose children have passed away.  (I know I’m leaving many others out; you are all in my prayers.)

I’m not really sure why I’m sharing all of this with you tonight.  I don’t mean to depress you.  I guess I just want to give you a peak into the life of one family who has lost a child.  The pain never stops.  Over time, we just learn how to cope, how to survive.  And, some days we’re more successful than others.

PLEASE don’t ever forget Andrew or any of the other children who have died.  That is very important to us and all of the families that I know.

Thanks…

Trying to “B+”

Ali’s & Andrew’s Dad

www.BePositive.org